Difficult conversations are an inevitable part of leadership. Having a proven framework for navigating them can improve team effectiveness, strengthen workplace relationships, and support organizational success.
As a former SWAT hostage negotiator trained by the FBI and Harvard University, I have spent my career navigating high-stakes conversations and conflict resolution. Now, as a professional speaker and corporate trainer with deep experience working with HR professionals, I’ve learned I’m not the only one having tough conversations with emotional people in challenging situations. When working through these situations, there are four big pieces of this strategy that are required when working toward positive outcomes, but when we miss one of these pieces, we can unintentionally create a workplace that is unwelcoming and disconnected.
The first behavior that’s required for our success is having the courage to have the difficult conversation that we need to have. Most leaders can immediately identify a conversation or performance issue they have delayed addressing. When we avoid tough conversations, we create a toxic workplace. As HR leaders, the organization looks to you to ensure that things get done properly. But here’s the secret from someone not in HR, the leaders and managers who should be having these difficult conversations are, too often, deferring difficult conversations to HR rather than taking ownership of issues within their teams. (I sense a few of you already knew that one.) Here’s where this piece goes wrong: We justify our own lack of courage by saying something like, “This isn’t really a work issue” or “They just need some space” when we see someone who is in crisis or displaying a behavior that needs to be addressed. That’s a toxic response, hidden in our belief that we’re helping the person by not having the conversation. I’m guilty of this too, as we don’t want the anxiety, stress, and fear that these conversations sometimes bring with them. Let’s agree we’ll decide right now to act with courage when it’s required.
The proper mindset is critical when engaging in conflict resolution and this begins by extending respect to the people we’re engaging with. It is nearly impossible to get someone to reach an agreement with you if they don’t feel as if you’re extending respect toward them. Occasionally people will challenge this with a question of, “What if they haven’t earned my respect?” Fair enough. But what is your goal in this interaction? Effective conflict resolution requires leaders to focus on achieving constructive outcomes rather than protecting personal pride or emotions. When we fail to extend respect to our colleagues, we create a negative workplace culture. The concern here is that disrespect is not only acceptable today, but it's also sometimes encouraged. Especially when it’s one of “us” engaging with one of “them”, and that, my friends, is another toxic workplace behavior that cannot be accepted.
Exceptional HR leaders distinguish themselves through effective communication. Poor communication practices can contribute to misunderstanding, mistrust, and workplace dysfunction. Why is clear communication so important? When the human mind has incomplete information, we begin to fill it in. When information is incomplete, people often fill the gaps with assumptions, frequently negative ones. The brain has evolved to identify the threats around us and keep us alive, so that’s why many of our thoughts are negative. When we don’t have the information communicated to us, it creates a dangerous situation of gossip and self-preserving behavior.
The best communicators are mindful of four areas that create a positive and professional impression with our customers and employees. Active listening skills, a strategic method, mindful delivery, and proper body language are the most important aspects.
On the first day of my hostage negotiation training, led by active FBI negotiators, they taught us the eight skills of active listening, and I was disappointed. I thought, this is the FBI, they’ll be able to teach us how to make anyone do anything we want them to. What I learned was that our power in negotiation comes from information and options, and how we can develop either if we are unable or unwilling to skillfully listen. What a wake-up call, and it turns out, I wasn’t a great listener!
Next, a strategy piece in communication is how we choose to communicate. Often, we will default to whatever is easiest or most efficient, rather than what is most strategic. Do we like text or email, where we only get the content, or should we defer to the phone or voice memos, where we can hear the content plus the delivery. Are there times that require a video chat or a face-to-face conversation where we can also include the non-verbal’s that are so powerful? Leaders should intentionally select communication channels that best support the message and desired outcome.
When conducting a SWAT negotiation, this is life or death work, and we treat the delivery of our communication as such. As I negotiate, I have another negotiator coaching me in real time, ensuring elements such as the rate, rhythm, pressure, volume and tone of what I say are just right. Having worked with leaders around the world, I’ve found that under stress and pressure, the first element that they become unaware of is their delivery. Let’s be disciplined in both what we say and how we say it.
Finally, in communication, what we see is oftentimes more powerful than what we hear. This is why body language and our non-verbal behavior, such as posture, gestures and facial expressions are critical. When there is a difference between what we hear someone saying and what we interpret their nonverbals are telling us, we’ll go with what we see. We can study the body language of those we’re talking with; to gather information as well as give the proper impression by making sure our own nonverbals are on point. When we fail in these four major areas of communication, we create a toxic workplace.
The last of the toxic workplace behaviors is creating a culture of disconnection. Organizations that fail to intentionally foster connection risk creating cultures of disengagement. The reason connection is critical is because if we want interpersonal influence, we must have connection first. We don’t take advice from strangers, we care little about what people outside our orbit think, but when we know someone cares about us, our team, and our organization, we begin to pay attention. It’s these short, consistent, rapport-building conversations that leaders need to have each day, that allow the difficult conversations to happen when trust exists, employees are more likely to interpret feedback as an investment in their growth rather than as personal criticism.
Oftentimes, leadership and managers will explain they are busy and have many daily tasks and responsibilities, and creating connection really isn’t one of them, or something they have time for. In my training courses, we do 1 on 1 active listening exercises for two minutes. After every very short exercise, I’ll ask participants if they felt a connection with their partner that wasn’t there a few minutes prior. Each time, participants will acknowledge that in just two minutes, they will be able to create connection. Now imagine taking at least two minutes a week to intentionally create connection with every direct report. How could that change the culture of your team and your organization?
Effective leadership communication is a learned skill built upon courage, respect, intentional communication, and meaningful connection. Professionals are anxious and afraid to have difficult conversations, largely because nobody has taught them how. Following this framework will give your team members the tools they need to continue to find success and shift cultures toward a positive, non-toxic workplace we all deserve.
Scott Tillema is global keynote speaker, corporate trainer, and a retired law enforcement officer with 20 years of service. It is his mission to inspire professionals to be powerful negotiators and influential leaders. .
